Bucket List
by casfics
Summary: When a young medic tragically ceases to be, there’s a ripple effect of grief that takes the department in a chokehold. Eventually, everyone starts moves on. Upon clearing out, Ethan discovers a discarded tatty notebook of Cal’s. Challenge though it may prove, he is determined to tick off every last bullet point as a tribute to the big brother he lost.
1. The Prologue

_**The Prologue:**_

The bottle of whisky sitting in the corner of what is now the "junk room" just pleaded to be opened.

Because of his ridiculous yet endearing tendency to put value in inanimate objects, Ethan downs the liquid from the bottle. It's expensive, the label says so, plus it was from Dylan of all people (a belated not so secret Santa gift). However, largely ignorant to brands of drink, he fails to notice anything distinct about it other than its price tag. It burns his throat just like a cheap bottle he and Cal used to buy from the corner shop would, and its after effect is the same. A couple of hours of numbed pain followed by a raging headache and regret. It's illogical really, but after a long shift, he is more than prepared to brush sense aside.

'Ah, what on earth...' he mumbles to himself, shaky hand pulling a piece of paper to the light.

It reads:

 _Caleb Knight's Bucket List_

 _(to do before I meet my fate)_

 _-Sleep under the stars_

 _-Go on an expedition_

 _-Learn to canoe_

 _-Go down on one knee_

 _-Do a marathon_

 _-Go to Bora Bora_

 _-Tandem skydive_

 _-Memorise the periodic table_

 _-Learn to knit (to tell Nibbles I can)_

 _-Do a family tree_

 _-Drink the most expensive bottle of champagne out there_

 _-Tell my brother how much I love him_

 _-Learn to play guitar_

 _-Have a waterfight, irrespective of weather_

 _-Get an outrageous tattoo_

 _-Read the fifty shades trilogy_

 _-Sing to an audience_

 _-Get a promotion and specialise_

 _-Get one of those ridiculous cats_

 _-Have a threesome_

Ethan snorts at the last one, screwing up the piece of paper. He pauses for a moment. Smoothing it out once more, he shakes his head a little. Even sober, he'd deem his own brother writing a list like this hilarious. It wasn't a Cal thing to do.

Maybe he'd done it in med school and forgotten about it. Maybe it was one big joke. Maybe he really did want to do all those things but never got the chance.

He slumps against the wall, piece of paper still tucked in his fist. Boxes clutter the room, and although he swore to sort things out two hours previous, not much headway had been made at all. Items spew over the sides of cardboard, and his head is already too sore to continue. A job for another day, once again. In order to ignore the repressed emotion rising as a lump in his throat, he scrolls social media looking for solace.

Someone moaning about their neighbour, an advocate of a vegan lifestyle, yada yada, an old girlfriend's wedding day — _shit_. He drinks some more.

Nagging thoughts of the list creep back into his head. Cal, being Cal, never had the sense to devise a will. The immediate aftermath of his death had involved Ethan being sat in a solicitor's office, making blundering guesses as to how best distribute the assets. Of course, he himself kept many, to hang on to memories if nothing else.

Everything else went to charity. Ethan was never fully convinced that was what his brother would have wanted, moreover, he knew Cal's ideal will would consist of the phrase "flog it" written in bold next to all items of value, but in doing so would remove both sense and sentiment. As the living one, he applied logic and thought in the hope that somewhere, someone would thank him for doing so.

His brother's sloppiness and general attitude to life meant that he never really paid it a thought. Caleb loved living in the moment. He was young, he didn't need to be bound by some legal document. He couldn't have possibly anticipated a rogue thug of a relative with a knife would cut his thirty year life to an abrupt end.

In the absence of anything formal that affirmed his post-death wishes, the list is the best thing Ethan has.

'I'll do it, big brother,' he mutters under his breath. 'Every last one, if I can. It's only fair.'


	2. Chapter 1

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His eyes blaze in the cold air, body temperature raising by a margin as she snuggles into his side: this is exactly what they used to do and it brings about a tinge of nostalgia.

They plod along through the forest, taking care not to stumble over tree roots and fallen branches that litter what was once a pathway. Stars twinkle against the inky sky, and if nature was capable of art, then this was a masterpiece. Steps are taken in unison, but she takes a couple more to compensate for his longer stride length.

'Good job I trust you,' Alicia mutters darkly.

This earns her a playful jab under the ribs, where he knows too well it'll wipe out another remark, if there happened to be one forming. He scrunches up his face as he blinks to see in the fast-fading light. It is true; anything could happen. The worrier in him begins to conjure up exactly what their fate could be. It isn't by any means the safest thing to be doing, but the author of the list was Cal, in itself meaning that all regard of safety was thrown out the window along with common sense.

'Do you think we'll be alright?' He squints to see ahead of him.

'Don't know,' she answers honestly. 'Might as well walk on now.'

'You say that like we have a choice.' He turns round, and so she does too. It's true - making their way back is not only an appealing option, but impossible.

'This was your idea, Ethan. It's mad, really. All of us doing this. What possessed you?' She asks.

He stays quiet. How can he tell her? It is best she doesn't know. The only person who knows is Charlie, and even then, he hurried off halfway through the conversation to tend to a drunken patient of his in cubicles.

Luckily, she doesn't chase it. They continue to walk until their legs can't carry them anymore, and it's then when they collapse against a tree trunk, exhausted.

'Max, Noel, Iain and Lily said they'd join us in an hour.' Ethan mumbles.

This is met with a scoff. 'Oh yeah, the famous Lily Chao, immersing herself in the natural world. Dream on. I know she's your friend, but I'll run naked through the hospital the day I see her camping. I'll believe that when it happens. I mean, come on—'

He adjusts his glasses, despite the fact that it's dark. Having them halfway down his face is uncomfortable, and before long, he'll undoubtedly snap a retort he regrets. Being comfortable makes him slightly more inclined to hold his tongue.

'Shall we set up here?' He suggests.

'Here?' Alicia prods the ground with the large stick she picked up a while back. 'Could do.'

'Yeah,' he exhales, automatically deciding this by dropping down the heavy poles and three bags he'd been lumbered with since they set off. 'They'll be along soon.'

The tension is palpable. They hadn't said more than a few words to one another ever since that day - the breakup. This simple instruction to camp, done on a whim, easily was changing all that. For starters, they'd been physically close all the way down, albeit the temperature had dropped below zero.

Everything since feels forced, and for what it's worth, Ethan finds himself often too tired to even attempt to rekindle things. Words were said that broke them beyond repair. With her, it's like one step forward and seven back. It's a mean thing to think, but he likes the analogy. This aside, he doesn't want to lose her. They are definitely better as friends.

After a while, Alicia starts to stumble around the area, crouching down every so often and apparently not doing much else to help.

Grumbling under his breath and stamping his feet to warm them in the cold, he tries to ram poles together. Visual impairment is restricting enough, but the sheer absence of daylight makes things infinitely worse. There's a clatter and everything falls to the floor. He curses, loudly, and the rustling of leaves under feet stops suddenly.

'You alright?' Alicia asks, with an air of nonchalance that aggravates him further.

'No, not really. Sort of struggling a bit.' He hisses back.

His blatancy works against him, for she wanders over, addressing the situation with optimism.

'Maybe Noel is good at this?' She offers sunnily, bending to up the fallen equipment.

He snatches them out of her hands and watches her face pale. Still, he feels no remorse. Perhaps she's trying to be helpful, but it's the kind of help that actually hinders if anything.

'We'll just wait for the others, you're completely right, like always.' He mutters, throwing them aside and sucking his teeth.

Alicia takes the message and goes off to where she's left her bag, fumbling around in it for something. Unintentionally, she's managing to evoke guilt in him as he sits there. He doesn't watch her fully, but peripherally, she's there and she's quiet. He gives withering sigh. Snappy isn't his default, but he is slowly realising how big a commitment fulfilling the wishes on the list is. That in itself is stirring frustration up; it's bubbling in the pit of his stomach dangerously. To confirm this, it growls. A bag of crisps hits him in the leg at that moment.

He glances upwards in the direction they came from, where a tired-looking Alicia shoots him a sympathetic smile.

'There, hangry man.' She says quietly.

On any other day, he'd resist to maintain his state of annoyance. However, she was painfully accurate in terms of her judgement, he was _starving_. Really bloody hungry. The last thing he'd eaten was a measly protein bar before his shift.

'What flavour are they?' He mumbles, weakly picking them up and brushing the mud off the wrapper.

'Cheese and onion.' She admits. 'But fuel before the others bring along the real food.'

'Fuel indeed,' he nods gratefully, choosing his battles carefully. It wasn't worth causing a row about the flavour, even if he's more partial to salt and vinegar than anything else.

-x-

'So what exactly is the point of tonight?' Iain asks, throwing another log onto the fire they'd roughly assembled.

'Camping mate. A break with friends for free.' Max replies simply. 'Ethan, uh, wanted to.'

Lily hugs her legs closer to her body, she and Alicia under the draped paramedic jacket of Iain's. They brought blankets, but nobody is willing to crawl into the tents and destroy the makeshift beds they worked so hard on. The girls both exchange glances, equally uncomfortable with the level of pity towards their friend, who was out collecting more wood.

'It's not just about him and his wishes, just because of what happened to his brother. I wanted to come too,' Alicia pipes up. 'It's something different, isn't it?'

'Me too,' Lily lies through chattering teeth, earning a laugh from the men. 'Shame the clouds are covering the stars.'

'Eh, it'll blow over.' Iain winks a little, going to sit at the other side of her. 'You sure you're warm enough, Lils? Want another jacket?'

'Stop fussing like a mother hen,' she ruffles his hair. 'I'm fine. Hope Noel and Ethan are back soon though.'

'They will be,' Max chimes in. 'They're not stupid. Well, Ethan isn't.'

'Noel is quite good at map reading, actually.' Alicia rubs her face, tired. 'We once did this orienteering course on this team building day we had six months ago. He is very... determined.'

'Yeah, determined to go the wrong way.' Max says. 'Plus, it's dark. How will they read a map?'

They all chuckle.

'Don't be mean, Noel's a mate. I think they have this down. They won't get lost. Did they take their phones? We can just ring them in twenty minutes if all else fails.' Iain suggests, looking round all of them for encouragement.

Nobody seems inspired by this suggestion though, and all continue to watch the fire with glazed eyes.

'Ethan's phone died on the way down.' Alicia tells everyone flatly. 'He'll be fretting without it. Ugh, I knew we should've waited till morning to go for more wood.'

'And in doing so, perish and eat cold food in the morning? Don't think this one can possibly get any colder, bless her.' Iain looks to his girlfriend with concern, who has fallen asleep in his arms.

'Well, obviously not, but we could have made do.' Alicia looks up to the sky. 'I can see a few stars now, look. I just think it looks so pretty. If there were loads of us here, it'd be even better. The fact that it's local too - I mean, it did take half an hour to drive to, but we all knew of it. Gorgeous little place.'

After a minute of grumbling, while Alicia was still talking, Iain had pulled Lily and himself into the tent and zipped it up. They had been the most tired of the group, and this had been accepted from the start. Max was the only one who paid attention to her words.

'Maybe if they follow the star, they'll work out the way back to us.' He jokes.

She doesn't answer, and instead hangs her head.

'Hey, don't worry. They'll be back soon.' He says quietly. 'Come here, Lish.'

It takes a couple of minutes until they are huddled together, close to the fire for warmth. They watch the stars light up the sky in silence. It is a shame the others aren't there to watch with them.

-x-

Ethan knows this was a terrible idea. The worst he'd had in a long time. He wishes Charlie had stuck around in the day to talk him out of it. And, the best thing of all, here he was acting on the idea. Experiencing it with Noel.

He traipses back down the pathway he thought was the right one all along, vexed that it has taken so long to convince the crazy colleague accompanying him. Not only does this mean they are late back, but his legs ache terribly and he has missed out on the entire point of the trip.

A positive he can derive from the whole palaver is that, sure enough, they have enough wood to generate heat for a small population. Whilst he remembers this, he tries hard to forget the burden they are on his muscles.

They are not speaking, and instead of being uncomfortable, it is blissful. He had made it clear that he didn't wish to pursue any more conversation, at precisely the moment they found themselves out of the forest and in the road. No remorse is felt at all this time; Noel has years of life experience on Ethan and yet he still behaves in a childish way, hellbent on doing what he thinks is best. This approach would never be conducive to successful teamwork, or partnership, and therefore silence is the only way to refrain from doing the receptionist a serious mischief.

It is when they finally arrive back to the "campsite" that the final blow is delivered. Like a kick to the stomach, there is Alicia, entangled quite literally with Max.

'Hey Guys,' Max mumbles. 'Where have you been? We're knackered. It's past eleven.'

'I'm sure you are.' Ethan throws the logs down with force on a pile in the corner.

'Careful! They're asleep!' Alicia hisses, gesturing to the tent in the corner.

He pauses before addressing them thinly.

'We got a bit lost.'

Noel is quick to nod, seemingly eased by the use of the collective term.

'Yeah, it was tricky to navigate, sorry folks.'

'No worries. Are we off straight to bed? It seems a shame, since we wanted to have a campfire and toast marshmallows and stuff—'

'Let's just go to bed, Max.' Ethan cuts him short, not even looking at him. 'How are we doing it?'

'What do you mean? Max replies blankly.

'He means we need to decide who's going in which tent.' Alicia says.

'Well, it's not primary school.' Noel shrugs. 'I'm not really bothered. I like and respect all of you.'

'I wasn't saying it is primary school,' Ethan starts, becoming more and more irate.

'Ethan, stop looking for trouble. For God's sake. I'll go with you.' Alicia sighs.

'Are you sure?' He turns to her, eyes dark. 'Because if you'd rather be with Max—'

They all fall quiet, at a loss for words for varying reasons. She stares at him, managing to communicate she's both offended and outraged.

'Fine,' she whispers. 'If that's what you'd rather.'

'That isn't what I said, though—'

Rustling comes from Lily and Iain's tent, perhaps stirring, perhaps just unconscious movement. This is enough to stop them from arguing.

'Well, it isn't what I'd rather. No offence, Alicia. Me and Noel are the dream team. Quite literally. We've shared a flat before, this will be great.' Max steps in to diffuse the situation, and is successful in doing so, for they all enter their respective tents without another word.

-x-

It is 2am. Alicia is awake. She coughs, loud and deliberate, which pulls Ethan from his light slumber.

'Can you talk?'

He thinks for a moment. "Not really" should be the answer. After all, it is the middle of the night. They have just finished a row of shifts. They are knackered. But, as always, she is important. Deep down, he knows she will continue to be a priority, no matter what happens between them.

'What's up?' He breathes.

She traces the tent lining with a finger. 'I know you were only trying to sort things earlier. I know that. To others, it could have looked a bit argumentative, so I had to step in.'

'Noel really pissed me off.' He whispers. 'It was like he was doing it on purpose, getting lost.'

'He just has his ideas,' Alicia mumbles back. 'You know what he's like.'

'It was infuriating, and highly annoying. I wanted to watch the stars and I never got the chance to appreciate it properly.'

'There will be other times, you know.' She says. 'Plenty.'

'It could have been nice though.' He says, voice soft and miserable.

She doesn't answer this. 'You seemed pretty upset and annoyed with Max. Why?'

He gives a little laugh. 'Hazard a guess?'

'Still?' She mumbles. 'After all this time?'

'Feelings are hard to erase, so I've learnt.' He shifts slightly, looking at the roof of the tent.

'Well, nothing was happening. It was cold and he was worried and that was it, I promise.'

'You don't have to promise,' he replies. 'You owe nothing to me.'

'I'm sorry this hasn't gone as you wanted it to.' She says, pausing. 'Maybe we could do it another day, or something else, something even better—'

'Yeah, maybe.'


End file.
